23 posts tagged “thoughts”

You know what I think?

I think I should be banned from thinking.

The more I think,the more problems I'd create for my own heart.

I'm so ready to run away from my problems for now and not think about what has been bothering me for the past week.

Where would I run to?

A familiar place where I can feel safe and be myself and have all the distractions I want---Kuching.

I hope that everything will turn out well.

It's time to give this brain of mine a rest it deserves.

Some say,"love is nothing but like a game".Now,I know there are people out there who don't like that analogy at all,but before you go all bonkers trying to justify otherwise,just give me a chance and hear me out.I'm neither for or against that metaphor,but for this post,let's just throw away all the differences we all have and pretend that we all agree with that statement.

If love really is like a game,what kind of game do you think it should be?Scrabble?Monopoly?Super Mario?

It all really depends on how you see it,really.But for now,I'd say love is more like a game of Tetris.

As we all may have already known,in the game of Tetris,7 different blocks come down from the top screen in random orders and what we have to do is arrange these blocks so that we can not only score,but ultimately keep the game going for as long as we can.This is a simple,yet very addictive game,and also one of the few games that is non-repetitive at all.

Just like a classic game of Tetris,we start off a relationship with a blank screen,we can see what the first block is and can easily place it anywhere we like because we have plenty of space for that first block to drop.Sometimes the first block may be a tricky one,like the S or the Z block,but if you are careful enough,you can almost always fill in the missing gap as the second block comes down.

Like a good game of Tetris,a relationship can only cruise along smoothly if we place our blocks in the right order and score.Every move we take in a relationship is like placing the blocks in Tetris.If we don't nurture what we have,it'll soon reach the top of the screen and we'll crash and lose the game eventually.

As we carefully build on our blocks,there will be times when we accidentally place the wrong block in the wrong place,i.e. when we say or do the wrong things to our partners unintentionally.We can only resolve the mistake by paying more attention to the ones that come after and make sure they fall in the right place that we wanted.If you keep putting the wrong blocks in the wrong places,you'll end up ruining your relationship,as you would to your Tetris game.However,(I just discovered this)sometimes the placement of the wrong block can bring benefits as well,when you arrange the ones that come after in the appropriate manner,you'd usually score more than you normally would.

We usually don't need anyone to teach us from beginning to end on how to play Tetris,same goes to relationship.Sure,we might not know what to do with the first few blocks,but as we game on,we'll soon discover the magic of it.Relationship requires actual involvement in order for you to recognise the beauty and technique of it.There're also no certain rules that you must follow in the game of Tetris,so long as you can keep the game going,no one really cares how you arrange the block in between.Like in a relationship,no one can tell someone else how to run their relationship so long as the two involved are satisfied with what they have.There are tips for running a smoother game,but ultimately,it is the person's decision to make.

One thing I found most identical between Tetris and relationship is that,there is no turning back.Once the move is being made,you cannot undo it.It's like when you do something that hurts your partner's feeling,there's no way you can undo it.All you can do is make sure you don't repeat the same mistake again,and if the following moves work out well,eventually that mistake will go away and hopefully be forgotten.But some mistakes don't,no matter how hard you try to resolve it,the trace of existance will still be there.Sometimes you might even end up losing the game just because of one stupid block.It really depends on how big the mistake was.

In Tetris,we are given to choice to end the game at anytime simply by pressing the start button.However,ending a relationship is not so much like ending a Tetris game.Ending a relationship is cruel and upsetting but all you need is a thumb to end your game of Tetris.Some Tetris games are even better,you can pause it and just leave it there,the next time you feel like playing with it again,you can start with where you've left off.But there's no such thing in real relationship,people take a break from their relationship but rarely do they continue from the exact same point where they left off.I'm not saying it doesn't happen at all,but rarely.People usually start off in a whole new dimension as the dynamic of the relationship has now changed.

It has now become pretty pointless for me to continue on comparing Tetris and relationship since I've already stated so much.All that's left is for you guys to give it a thought yourself and come out with the 'like-s' and 'no-s' between the two,or even better,you can start relating relationship to a whole new game.

Okay,so now I'm done with my post.We can all go pick up the differences that we threw away earlier in this post and get on with our life.Haha! *lame*

Alright,I know it has been quite a while since I wrote my book review.It's just that I've been too darn lazy to do any readings so I hadn't gone round the next few chapters yet.But I promise it will come soon.I'm half way through the book now.

I was just thinking about this one particular thing for a while now,is that how big of an impact can one person have in our life.We all live our life in a different way,but one thing for sure is that no matter how you live it,someway along the road,this one person will come along and change your life unknowingly.Whether it'll be a change for the good or bad,no one really knows.

Each day of waking up to this world,you'll never know who you'll bump into the moment you walk out the door.

Think of it this way,somewhere out there,you'll get really close to this someone that you've never really expected to be,sometime in the near future.Perhaps,that someone will be the person who would change your perspective of life.Maybe they won't be doing it on purpose,but the dynamic that you share will eventually induce the happening of it.

For those of you who made new friends for the past two years,think about the process how you get to know each other that well.For those of you who are in a relationship with a relatively new person,think about how you get to develop that feelings for each other.For those of you who stopped talking to old friends for the past few years,think about what drew you apart from each other.For those of you who just ended a relationship,think about what happened in between the relationship and why it happened.

If you start to think about these questions,you'll slowly realise how fate has a weird but amazing way of making the different dynamic change. 

Alright,I know it has been quite a while since I wrote my book review.It's just that I've been too darn lazy to do any readings so I hadn't gone round the next few chapters yet.But I promise it will come soon.I'm half way through the book now.

I was just thinking about this one particular thing for a while now,is that how big of an impact can one person have in our life.We all live our life in a different way,but one thing for sure is that no matter how you live it,someway along the road,this one person will come along and change your life unknowingly.Whether it'll be a change for the good or bad,no one really knows.

Each day of waking up to this world,you'll never know who you'll bump into the moment you walk out the door.

Think of it this way,somewhere out there,you'll get really close to this someone that you've never really expected to be,sometime in the near future.Perhaps,that someone will be the person who would change your perspective of life.Maybe they won't be doing it on purpose,but the dynamic that you share will eventually induce the happening of it.

For those of you who made new friends for the past two years,think about the process how you get to know each other that well.For those of you who are in a relationship with a relatively new person,think about how you get to develop that feelings for each other.For those of you who stopped talking to old friends for the past few years,think about what drew you apart from each other.For those of you who just ended a relationship,think about what happened in between the relationship and why it happened.

If you start to think about these questions,you'll slowly realise how fate has a weird but amazing way of making the different dynamic change. 

这个月，教堂的主题是"Decision making",很自然的今天牧师讲的道，也是和"Decision making"有关的。

我们的人生历程，莫过于做出适当的“选择”。

回想起我这20年的人生里，的确是面对了很多的不同层面的“抉择”，虽然有时后决定权不在我手上，可是还是无法逃避它。

打从我这颗受精卵开始存在的时候，“选择”早已经开始使出它的功力了。

21年前的一天，我的爸妈选择了相爱，从而让我开始有了生命。

虽然，那个时候要养3个小孩子已经是个很困难的任务，他们还是选择了让我活下来，让我享有和其他小孩一样的关爱。说实在，当老么有时还真艰苦啊!尤其是当你前面排满了兄弟姐妹，存亡更是在一线之差，分分钟都会成为还没机会长大的胚胎枉魂。我好像那年就差一点 "boh ti ki"。兴啊!当时，爸妈的意志坚定，没有被那个他妈的经济给影响到。

好啦~9个月过后，无敌可爱的BB终於瓜瓜坠地啦~

阿公给爸妈一系列的名字，让他们做出选择。

又一次的兴啊!爸爸妈妈选择了“李敏妃”而不是“李敏珠”，不然，我有预感我将会是一个超级俗仔的肥婆！不要误会，我不是讲世界上凡事叫“李敏珠”的都会是超级俗仔的肥婆，只是指如果本人的名字是的话而已。

然后，就是我的英文名字。妈妈当时也选择了把我名为“Millie”而不是“Milo”。

到目前为止，长辈们为我做出的选择都还不赖，至少对我都有很大的益处。

要说我真正为自己做的第一个重大决定，就是选择到一中念中学，而不是晋中。爸妈也选择了尊重我的抉择，虽然偶尔还是会碎碎念一下。这的一个决定，我一直到现在都没有后悔过，而且觉得是特对的。

到了高二，我选择继续念完高三，也是一个我不后悔的决定。念完高三，我随着爸妈的选择来到了柏斯，自己选择了Curtin而不是UWA。

自我懂事的6年来(小学都不懂事，只懂玩！)，第一次感觉到自己走错了。柏斯并没有不好，或许只是因为我们之间擦不出美丽的火花，所以那感觉就很差。但是，既然已经做了选择，无论多困难都应该要硬着头皮走下去。

在学生交换的时候，又遇到一个难以抉择的分叉路。最后，我选择了回到柏斯完成我的degree。说实在，后来那感觉糟透了，那感觉称不上是后悔，但就是不开心。可是，我告诉我自己，这是我自己坚持要做的选择，所以不可以因为不开心和没耐心而打退堂鼓。我一直都相信，人是需要经过磨炼才能成材。虽然，我这个“材”或许不会是天才的“才”，而是木材的“材”，但总比不能被摩擦的火“柴”好。。 (好啦！对不起啦！很烂的比喻，我懂~)

总而言之，我相信上帝之所以会让我做出这样的选择，必定会有他的道理在。

要惨啊!!!写到这里我完全不知道要怎样结尾去!!!!为什么?!!!难道是头脑生锈了???

总之，我要说的就是，既然是已做出的选择，就无谓再为它感到惋惜或是后悔。最重要的是把路途中所学习到的铭记于心，当做经验。而不是，一再地埋怨和懊恼。更应该把握时间，想一下下步应该要如何扭转乾坤。(我懂得用“扭转乾坤”，chim leh~)

Remember the departing scene that you can easily see in those dramas?

Do you know how it feels to be forced to say goodbye to something that you're not willing to let go of?

I do.

Over the past few months,I've actually started to forget how bad that was.How hurtful it was to turn my back against something that I wanted.All those pain,and heart throbbing moments,I've actually left them behind,until recently.Maybe it's the jolly of the festive season that has triggered that sorrowful moments once again,maybe it's the sight of seeing people holding hands with their significant others,maybe it's the scene from dramas that reminded me of it,or maybe it's because of Twilight--I don't know.

I 'brainwashed' myself over and over again,how what we had was nothing special,how you're just a boy I met,how I should not let any of my feelings linger no more.I was trying to hypnotise myself.

I ask myself,what is wrong with me?I don't like what I'm experiencing,but why is that I just kept on staying in this ridiculous loop hole that I've created for myself?

I blame myself for everything because I believe that I do have the choice to not be this way,but yet,I did nothing about it.There are times when I wanted to shout at you and put all the blames on you for everything I felt.Then,I realised that was a selfish act.It's not about you,it's about me.It's not because of you that I'm like this,it's just me and the kind of girl I am.

It made me want to figure myself out,trying to put all those bits and pieces together so that 'I' would make sense.I looked back,and discovered that I really have changed.Not sure if it's for the good or the bad,but I changed.Maybe 'change' isn't what happened.Simply,I grew up,and started to take things in a different perspective.

So,what kind of a person am I?Do the people that knew me well in the past still know me as good right now?Should I be putting blames on him for saying what he thinks about me,in conclusion of the past years we had together?I wasn't sure,really,if my reaction to it was appropriate.

Why is that I talk about my relationship with J-boy so much?It's not because he's the one I love/like most.No.It's because that was the relationship that made me realised about lots of stuff and got me thinking.It's more of a representation of who I am,right now.I had a boy that I loved a lot,but that was the young me.It's still 'me',nonetheless,but I'm not sure how many percentage of the young 'me' is still present in the now 'me'.

To be frank,I have forgotten how it feels to like someone,let alone love.I no longer know how it feels to have that tingling sensation you experience when you see the person that you like walk by.I no longer remember how great it feels when someone you like make you smile.If something shall happen right now,I'm not even sure if I know how to respond to it.

I don't think I can draw a conclusion to this post.This post is about finding myself,finding who I am as a person.But I need more experiences in order to make this a success.This shall be the question that will reappear again and again in life.

Note to silent readers:

Common'..Stop being a silent reader..Leave me a comment or something,let me know you're reading and what you think.It's hassle free to drop a comment on the chat box.I'm a girl with lots of curiosity so please...feed my need in wanting to know who's reading..

我以为，我已经抽离开来了。

可是，事实上我好像…并没有。

我只不过是，闭上了眼睛，一直在原地踏步罢了。

骗得了自己，却瞒不过事实。

到底是为了什么，而不愿意真正的彻底离开呢？

我也不懂。

感情是没了、淡了，那我到底还在期待什么呢？

有时，真的会觉得自己很莫明其妙！

你们觉得，又是为了什么呢？

The results are out.

79,79 and 67.

I couldn't say that I am totally disappointed with the results,but there's a sense of regret.

It's like I didn't push myself far enough to earn that extra point that can help boost the scores to a higher level.

I thought I did my best,at least it felt like I really did,but the end result says otherwise.

I should have done better because I expected a little bit more,I said to myself.

It's always that one final small step that I refuse to take or otherwise aren't smart enough to figure out what that step is.

Why is that I'm always just this,|-|,close to achieving what I want?

It's all psyhocological,really.That in the Olympics,the Silver medalist is always way more sorrowful than the Bronze medalist.The Silver medalist is soooo close to the Gold,yet the Bronze medalist is soooo close to getting nothing.(P.S I learnt that in class,so credits go to whoever is the founder of this research)

But I won't say I'm the Silver medalist.Rather,I think I'm more like the 3rd runner up.Soooo damn close to be holding on to a medal,yet all I can do is stand next to the Bronze medalist and weep as I see my medal being given to someone else. 

What makes me even sadder (?) is that the 3rd year unit I took,I only got an overall of 67.Which means that,not only did I fuck my finals,I am also one big freaking step further away from getting into 4th year honours class.I know,I know,honours class is for people who are smart,but hey!It doesn't hurt to dream big,does it?

Ouch!

As a matter of fact,it does hurt to dream big,especially when you fail and the whole world knows about it,and possibly will laugh their heads off at your naivity (?).Well,maybe it's just me and my imaginary audiences (learnt that from class,too).I don't think anyone else besides me and my lectures give a damn bout how I score.

Yes yes..I know..People try to cheer me up,it's not the score that matters,it's how much you've learnt that really count.Well,I don't mean to pop the bubbles for myself,but when I look back,I know I've been taught tons of stuff,but nothing seems to stick in my head for long.It's like I suffer from an "Academic Bulemia" (click on link,please if you'd like to know bout that).So,that word of comfort doesn't really do its job that well.

But really,I got no one else to blame for the fault but myself.I know I'm not a smartass,and my attention span is not extraodinarily long,and I'm not a super-fast learner,so it really comes down to how hardworking I am.*Tsk tsk* As far as I know,I'm not the most hardworking one.

Nah nah nah!

No words of comfort or any comforting praises is needed at this point.

Don't tell me that it's good enough,because you don't know what good enough is for me.I'm 100% sure you don't know because I don't know either..Teehee..

I'm not upset,because it's not like I failed miserably or anything.

It's just that,I think it would be awesome to feel the happiness of knowing I did extremely well in exams.

When the results were out,all I felt was flat-ness.No excitement,no extreme sorrow (though,I was bummed that I didn't at least score 70 for my 3rd year unit),just a sense of "Oh~!"

Why is that so?

I don't know..Could be because it felt like I could have pushed even harder,but I didn't.And knowing that I've screwed my 3rd year unit just sucks.It's not an extremely difficult unit,but I just wasn't motivated enough to actually give it my all.Despite all the big dream talk of wanting to get into honours class,I didn't try to give in more,which is why I'm a bit disappointed in myself.

Will I ever get into honours class?I seriously don't know.I doubt my own ability but yet,I'd like to keep that dream alive.I just hope that at the end,I won't disappoint myself and also Dr Ros.I felt that she believes in me and didn't try to talk me down even after what Dr Lyndall had said bout my first year scores don't seem like I'm capable of making it into honours class.

But,oh well~!What comes around goes around.

I'm going out to get myself a piece of cake now.

这几天，我将会努力的思考我到底是个怎么样的一个人。

一个人的一句话，让我对我自己产生了若干疑惑。

这不是一件坏事。

我不是悲观，不是伤心，也不是自卑，只是疑惑。

多年来，我给你的印象果真如此吗？

是的话，那，又是为甚么？我实在是很不明白。。。

可是，自己看自己，这会有多准呢？

我所得到的结果，可靠吗？

让我再想一想吧！

想到再来写过。

Ok..Be warned that this is going to be a very long post which may seem to be without an ending.See!I told you!Even my very first sentence is annoyingly loso..But,sorry!I couldn't help it..That's what I do---I talk..a lot.And I'm not going to do this in Chinese because I'm just too darn lazy to turn on the damn Southern Star thing and just don't feel like doing this in Chinese.So,again,sorry!

How's my summer been so far?

Yiehh~Not too bad I guess..

• Went to Scarborough Beach twice (see Facebook photos for details)
• Did 3 sits so far (for future reference,when I say sit,it means babysitting)
• Had a few days of Nintendo DS craze and am now over it already
• Went for a 3 hours Makaton workshop
• Filed in all my paper works for the position as a casual support worker and now waiting to be call in for my duty for both the casual support work and party hosting (yes..I have two jobs for now)
• Squated outside the yard for roughly 1 hour and half pulling those darn weeds out with mum (oh ya..Mum's here)
• Didn't do much exercise this week
• Eat & drink
• Sleep & wake up
• Shit & pee
• Eat & drink some more
• Sleep & wake up some more
• Shit & pee some more (I'm SORRY but I just cannot remember the more polite way of saying 'shitting'!)

I know I did more than that for the past 2 weeks but like I said,I'm no Einstein,so I don't really remember what else.

But I'm not here to brag about how my summer has been so far..Seriously! (Yea..right..Talk so much bout it baru say not wanting to talk bout it..=.=;)

Anyways,I'm writing to talk about a thing call 'judgement'.Familiar?I'm pretty sure every normal functioning human being knows what that is,regardless of culture and ethnic backgrounds.

Why do we judge?What kind of judegement hurts the most?Can the world survive one day without any judgement at all?

The answer for no.3 is an absolute NO!

No matter how much we want others to stop judging us,we just couldn't help be the one judging.

To be frank,I hate this 'judgement' thing.I hate it when people show me the "I'm judging you right now,at this moment" look.But,regardless of how much hatred I have for the occurence of 'judgement',I'm just like any of you who can understand what I'm writing right now.I'm nothing but just human,so unfortunately,I judge people as well.But I do try to not judge people by their appearance nor by just the first impression they give.

It's sad enough to be rudely judged by people you don't know.However,when people you're close to make judgements about you as well,I just think that'll just ruin my mood even more.Sure,you can say there's two categories of judgements,the positive and the negative.But,think carefully,how often do humans make positive judgement about others?As far as I know,the chances are like 55% to 45%.55% being the frequency for negative judgements and 45% is for the positive.

Judgements that I hear on a daily basis send off too much negative vibe that it'll just make the day looks gloomier than usual.And I don't like gloomy days at all.

Why do we have to judge others so much?Them living a different live from ours,does that mean we have the right to interfere and judge what's right and what's wrong,what has to be done,what shouldn't be,all according to our own theory?That just makes us sound like a bunch of narrow minded people,doesn't it?People living in this era,constantly claiming that we're walking towards a century where we are more open-minded.But how true is that statement?If we really are open minded,would we be making judgements about others?I'm not trying to say judgements make no good at all.In fact,some judgements do lead to certain amount of improvement.

Here comes the interesting question.

Why is that,90% of what I've shared in my blog,I don't share them with my family members?Why is that,I prefer writing it out in my blog rather than have a face-to-face talk about it?

It's because of judgements.To be honest,I'm afraid of hearing judgements,especially the negative ones.I'm not going to pretend that I don't care what other people think,because I do.I live in a world filled with different individuals that have different impact on my life,so of course I care about what other people think about me.I don't want to be ignorant and provoke anyone,what I want is to be neutral.

My family means the world to me,but sadly,I'm kind of different from the crowd.I'm like the odd ball in the house because I do things that they won't normally do.Sometimes,it seems like what I say doesn't really matter because I'm the youngest.What I said is either bullshit or should already be known by others so there's really no point in me being the one saying it.

Is it me being paranoid?No.I know I'm not.People who say I'm being paranoid are actually,I think,in denial.

I get asked the questions starting with "why" a lot.And I don't have a freaking idea about the answers to all those questions.Often,I do things that even I myself can't explain.There's no 'because' to what I do.I just do what feels right and what makes me happy.When there's an exact 'because' to the answer,I try my best to explain.But,some people'll never get it.If  it's not something they'd do,to them it's unneccessary.No matter how legit your reasons may seem,it's all bullshit if they don't think like you do.This is not directed to just my family,but also to some other people.

I don't share my problems with certain people not because I think what I did was wrong.It's because I know to some people,they've already made an impression about certain things and no further evidence can make them think otherwise.Talking to them is like making a bet with all your money at one go.You only get one shot,and if what you said doesn't fit into their theory of mind,you're pretty much doomed.There's no room for mistake.One mistake can cost you a life time of nagging,a life time of judgement that takes forever to change.I've learnt that,there really is no need for me to have a discussion with people who don't have room for diferences.To a certain someone,what's not in their mind is just plain bullshit.I'd rather not make the bet and keep all the chips to myself.I like things that are simple and safe to play with.A coward?Well..Maybe.

One other horrible thing about humans is that,some people make bad judgements about other people,just to make themselves feel more superior.They try to find the weakness of others and attack them using that weakness.Over and over again,it's the same bitching line.They knew perfectly that no one is perfect,they use that as an 'excuse' when people point out their weakness.When it comes to dealing with someone else's weakness,that is when they forget about the 'no one is perfect' thing.They'd start making negative judgements,even if it's the same thing,to them,it's just worth going through it over and over again.It doesn't really matter if the weakness is still there or not.As long as it was there before,it's enough to feed their cravings for deminishing others for a long time.

Last thing that is irrelavant to what I've just said.Remember the story about putting a small black dot on a big piece of white paper and ask people what do they see.I think that's total BS and is heck misleading.Well!Of course they'd say they see a black dot!DUH!You deliberately put it on there just so they'd notice it!And then you turn around telling them they're wrong and has a personality problem?I just don't get it...Seriously...

Ok..Enough for today...